sweet dreams
by junipers
Summary: The words haunt his dreams at night, and there's a reason he doesn't sleep anymore. Joshua/Neku.


**I...have no idea exactly what this is actually. A ra****ther disjointed collection of thoughts, I suppose. Dunno why I wrote it the way I did, but I kinda like it. I'll probably never use this style again but meh.**

**Hopefully no one's OOC...that's always like my biggest worry when writing fanfiction Dx**

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><p>Joshua will always try to hold his hand, but he will always jerk away and say <em>i told you not to touch me in public.<em>

Josh just giggles as per usual, always taking Neku's hand back, and eventually the orange-haired boy gives up because _i always get what i want, neku._

When they see ice cream, anywhere, Joshua buys them ice cream, insisting that _it is always a good time for ice cream._

When Neku reminds him that _you hate ice cream_, the boy just giggles again and ignores him.

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><p><em>change is a good thing, honey<em> is what Joshua says when Neku whines about something insignificantly different. He hates Shibuya, he loves Shibuya; he wants it all to change, he wants it to stay the same. Forever.

Neku frowns whenever Joshua says this, saying _ever since the game i can't figure out if i want shibuya to change or not _because he told Kitaniji it should stay the same, but in truth he's not so sure.

He used to shake when he thought of those three long, horrendous weeks. He used to cry as silently as he could and mutter _why why why did you do this to me_ and half-hope Joshua couldn't hear.

And Joshua, he's never had an answer.

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><p>Joshua sleeps at Neku's sometimes; whether it's to torment him or because he genuinely wants to be there isn't clear to the other boy. Neku always firmly insists that <em>you stay out of my bed, joshua<em> but the order is almost always ignored.

Joshua occasionally gives his proxy various CAT artbooks; they're fairly expensive, Neku always complaining that it costs _more money than i'll ever have._

Joshua can't sleep when Neku's around, doesn't sleep much anymore anyway so he either goes through these artbooks or tries to snuggle with the sleeping boy.

Sometimes Neku has nightmares; muttering _why why why why why,_ whimpering _kill me kill me kill me_, trying not to sob when he says _i can't take it anymore_.

What Joshua hates most is hearing Neku begging _kill me kill me kill me_. As if the boy where holding a gun to his own head and threatening to pull the trigger.

Watching Neku die at his hands is one thing. Watching him beg for it is something completely different. Thinking of him killing himself, somehow its almost too much to handle.

Knowing it's his fault, he doesn't know if he can bear the guilt or if there's any guilt to bear.

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><p>And <em>hanekoma i don't understand because i know he'll be safe and he won't really die. <em>

He knows _there's nothing to fear so why am i terrified?_

The rest of his words trail off in a jumbled mess, unwilling to admit _it hurts and i don't know why._

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><p>Neku can't decide if he loves Joshua or hates him. Joshua is quite certain it's the former.<p>

Doesn't matter anyway, according to Neku, because _you wouldn't kill me if you loved me._

Joshua can't giggle at this actually, but he wants to because he doesn't want Neku thinking that maybe he feels a little bit guilty; he doesn't know why. When he thinks of telling Neku _maybe love is more complicated than that_ it just seems silly and insincere. Everything he can think to say sounds forced.

Maybe Neku notices he's speechless - he raises an eyebrow but doesn't say a word - while Joshua desperately hopes he doesn't.

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><p>Neku does, however, notice the bags under his old partner's eyes; he notices how he seems to be running on just Mr. H's coffee and maybe an hour's sleep nowadays.<p>

But when he asks _what's wrong_ Joshua always insists that _everything's fine, neku_ and refuses to discuss the matter.

Neku tries to forget about it, but he can't help but wonder _why do you look so tired all the time?_

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><p><em>why why why did you do this to me<em>

and the words haunt his dreams at night.

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><p>What Joshua doesn't truly understand is Neku's unwavering trust in him, how Neku could possibly trust his killer and <em>why don't you just forgive me<em> because he believes forgiveness and trust should somehow go hand-in-hand.

Not that he's complaining. Knowing Neku can trust him is one of the best things in the world to him.

He can scan the boy, sometimes - he knows Neku still carries around his Player Pin, but there have been days where Neku leaves it behind. Joshua quickly learned to take advantage of these days, to force Neku's thoughts in a certain direction so he can maybe learn something. His proxy is still fairly closed off.

Neku sometimes notices when Joshua is imprinting him, nudging his thoughts away from their original course, and he always tries to force them back into place. _it won't work, dear_ but he tries anyway, or otherwise thinks _STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT _over and over and hopes Joshua will stop scanning him.

It works; Neku gives Josh a smug, satisfied smirk as he rubs his temple, trying to soothe his growing headache.

Josh looks up and frowns. He whines _you don't have to hurt me_ but according to Neku _it's the least i can do._

Revenge, one could say. _really now?_

_really._

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><p>Neku always wonders <em>why why why<em> because Josh never tells him. He always pretends Neku's the one who doesn't tell him anything, but he's not the one keeping secrets.

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><p><em>you wouldn't kill me if you loved me<em>

_why why why did you do this to me_

_why why why did you do this to me_

_why why why did you do this to me_

_why why why why why_

_WHY WHY WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO M__E_

_I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE_

_KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME_

And Joshua wakes up trying not to scream at the anguish in his proxy's voice, and there's a reason he doesn't sleep anymore.


End file.
